I was up this morning at 6:45 to do my segment on KSCO, which in my bizarre world of working morning means I actually got to sleep in. It was over by 7, and at this point I was up and trying to figure out what to do with myself since I didn’t have to work today. So I went to the gym at 8:30, which is the first time I’ve ever gone so early. It was an interesting crowd, mostly housewife looking types, with a few young hotties thrown in. I always feel like a lecherous fuck at the gym, because being L.A., there are hot chicks there every time of day or night. And come on, they’re all wearing spandex and sweating, and that’s hot. I try not to stare, but I’m human. I’m waiting for the day when I get a tap on my shoulder from gym management and am told I’m no longer welcome because I’m making the hot chicks uncomfortable.
If they kick me out, though, it’s only fair that the farters go too. Since the one run-in several months ago where a guy picked the one piece of equipment right next to me in a totally empty gym to use as his own egg producing factory, it’s happened three more times. Is there something about the way I look that screams “Come work out and drop ass bombs next to ME?” And I can’t help but notice, three of the four times it was an older Asian male. Maybe it’s a cultural thing? I know that in some Asian cultures it’s considered polite to burp after a meal – it shows the host you enjoyed yourself. Maybe it’s a sign of friendship to fart at the gym?
After that I had lunch with a friend from my former radio station. It was nice to catch up. Then I came home to find that the cleaning crew was here cleaning my parent’s house. There was no way I was sticking around while they clean…that’s so uncomfortable to me. I feel like a modern-day slave owner or something. So I decided to check out a movie.
“The Pursuit of Happyness” (sic) was the next movie I could make, and it looked like a good flick to kill of couple of hours on a Thursday afternoon. I got to the theater, and it was pretty empty. I had a whole row to myself. It was luxurious. Until an old guy and his mom walked in. I was sitting in the middle of the theater, in the middle of a row, and they hobble down the aisle and sit right next to me. I barely like sitting next to my friends at the movies, much less a stranger, so I was rather uncomfortable. And the mom was ancient. She could barely walk, and she smelled old and damp. What if she lost control of her bowels during the film? Old people do that all the time. What if she had a heart attack? What if I accidentally kicked her while crossing my legs and broke her spine? I considered getting up and moving, but decided that would be rude and instead spent several minutes freaking out internally.
The movie itself was good. I’m glad Will Smith decides every couple of years to remind us that he’s a very likeable actor. And the kid is cute. It’s a touching story of a single dad trying to make ends meet in early 1980’s San Francisco. It’s the kind of story that’s supposed to empower you…you’re supposed to walk out thinking “Well, if that guy could be homeless and take care of his kid and be successful doing an internship at Dean Witter, then I can get my life together as well. My problems aren’t even on the same scale as this guy, and if he can flourish, so can I.” But instead I come out thinking “Now I feel like even more of a loser because this guy, whose life sucks more than mine, can get his shit together, and I can’t. Fuck him.” That’s why I like movies where people do all the right things and then die in the end.
So midway through the movie, I adjust my position in my seat to get more comfortable, and the old broad next to me slowly turns her head, moves her glasses down on her nose, and proceeds to stare at me for five minutes. Now, in my shifting, I didn’t touch her or invade her space in any way, but she’s staring at me like she’s going to eat me or fight me. And then she turns her head back and continues watching the movie. Maybe she so old that it just takes her that long to turn her head?
And then at the end of the movie, it’s very touching because Will Smith finally makes it all happen, and him and his son are going to live the life they always wanted, and everyone in the theater is sniffling because it ALL SO WONDERFUL. And out of the corner of my eye, I can see the old woman staring at the screen with a cold look on her face that says “I don’t get emotional over black people. I’m not impressed.”
I went home secure in the knowledge that her life is probably a lot less fulfilling than mine, and that made me happy.
20 comments:
Best damn blog of the week. You had me on my ass laughing. Bravo.
Worst damn blog of the week. I'm looking for Dick Cheney in the previous post to see if he'll shoot me in the face so I can get a ride somewhere else. Lifetime.
(the yin and the yang, grasshopper... the yin and the yang)
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The term Nazi Control Freak comes to mind here. Please note that Jason has ONCE AGAIN turned off the ability for any of us to be anonymous. He is power-tripping on his new job in radio, and thinks your divine privilege of remaining anonymous should be ripped from your lives. Stripping you of the American right to hide behind an alias and protect your identity. That's right. Jason has decided that your every move is under his command. Big Brother has spoken...and it is Jason.
And I ask you...are you going to take that? REVOLT, I say. Boycott the Blog!
And Mr. Yin-Yang,
Go lift some weights, rent a movie, have a life. It ain't all about dick.
Well, maybe for you. After all, you have to compensate for your short comings.
Jason has many short comings.
Many, many short comings.
Not the least of which is his complete lack of "long comings", to coin a new term.
And you would know this how?
wait, don't answer that...there is only one way to know all that about Jason's comings. Anonymouse and Jason...what a couple of short comings.
This blog does not allow anonymous comments?!!!
WELL, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!
Turn the fucking anonymizer back on, you asshole. I had to sign up for a fake email, then a fake google account all so I could anonymously tell you to FUCK OFF!
I mean it. Don't make me come to LA and find you to whoop your ass. Don't make me drag your parents into this. Don't make me steal the Trudel for ransom.
You've got 24 hours Mr. Blogfest. 24 hours or I blow this blog to bits. And the Trudel, you can kiss her goodbye. 24 hours or it's over.
For the love of anything decent under God's runny nose...LET US BE ANONYMOUS!!!!
FUCK YOU.
24 HOURS.
On strike, shut it down!
On strike, shut it down!
On strike, shut it down!
Free the people from Jason fascism.
Jason, you are a capricious little chickenshit for turning off anonymous comments. And people are starting to talk payback. Turn it on or shut down the blog. Those are your only choices I can see.
And "Gomer_pyle_army"... what can I say? The show was called Gomer Pyle USMC... you fucking retard.
The time is up, slimebag! By now, you should have recieved the Trudel's ear in the mail. (that little wire thing-a-ma-jig from inside the engine.) Our demands for getting Trudel are simple: Give us our anonymity back in another 24 hours or Trudel keeps disappearing part by part. Sure, Trudel looks fine sitting there in the driveway, but one day when the windshield wipers don't work, or she starts spewing oil at a stop light...just know you had this coming for being a blogger wiener.
BLOGGER'S UNITE...BOYCOTT!!
24 hours or the gas cap is history.
Dear Mr. Xrayspex,
Well gaaally, I suppose your alias of a drooling three year old is any better?! Gomer Pyle USMC was already taken as an email account, maggot face.
And Spex is spelled Specs, butt head.
Gomer, do you have your own action figure from the Super Retarded League? Of course spex is spelled specs (unless you count Spex bar in SF across the street from City Lights bookstore). I spelled it with an "X" for the bookends effect. Not that I would have to explain that with anybody with an IQ of room temperature or above. BTW, Butthead is commonly spelled as 1 word not 2.
Ah, yes. This comes from a guy who spent more time in Spex bar than ever reading a book from City Lights. No wonder you are grammatically challenged.
X-ray is commonly spelled with a dash not one word. I'd say someone flunked 4th grade English and is trying to compensate for high school education.
Unless you're one of Jason's friends who graduated from a school like UCSC that gives no grades because the student population were too wimpy to get a real education with authentic accreditations?
I am unclear as to why you are here Gomer. I mean, it's not like this is a young boys chat room.
" Or at least until I crap out on sticking to my resolutions like 99.9% of all Americans. I give this until about Thursday."
Man, right on the fuckin' money!
So long Jason. Parts of this were fun. Good luck in the radio gig. And, don't forget to turn off the blog before you leave.
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi
Good-bye X-ray Specs! Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
Wow, good thing X-Rays gone... because the collective IQ of the blog just went up 50 points.
Gomer, you fucking retard. I didn't say I was leaving. I was trying to imply that Jason was leaving. Go back and read it again. Did your mother drop you on your head when you were an infant? Did you spend grades 1-6 drooling in the corner and making a "Durrrrrrr" sound all day?
Hey speaking of your mother. We hooked up. She gives great head for a woman her age.
Now go somewhere and swallow your gun.
X-ray, you are failing miserably at this leaving thing. You obviously don't know how to get out when you are no longer wanted around here. You are probably one of those drooling outcasts at work that keeps believing that if he's just nice, everyone will like him. Well, here's the news: no one wants your stinkin'butt in our faces. Go find someone who's desperate to have an inarticulate moron as a friend.
That wasn't my mother...that was your sister, freak.
I'm convinced that gomer is actually Jason. Nobody else is really reading this blog. Nobody really cares. So assuming that you are Jason I'd just like to say this. Bigotry isn't cool no matter how smart you think you are. Jason, you give Jews a bad name, and that has to be some sort of violation in the faith.
That old lady was probably giving you the icy stare because, like at the gym, you were letting off ass bombs. Yeah, we called the gym. It was you, turnmeister.
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