The Oprah Drinking Game

The world is on edge waiting for part II of Oprah and Gayle's Lesbian Love Romp Cross Country Adventure, which debuts tomorrow. Thankfully Oprah has decided to drag out the airing of her trip over the next twelve seasons, so last week they didn't get to the part of the trip that would contain me. Pay close attention:

THE BEST CHANCE YOU'LL HAVE OF SPOTTING ME ON OPRAH WILL BE ON THE SHOW AIRING TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26. CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS.

They'll be showing the part of the trip where she was in Sedona. In Sedona, Oprah went shopping at a "Whole Foods" type supermarket, and this is where I first ran into her. I guarantee they'll include clips of her shopping, because the camera people were taking tons of shots of shocked Sedonians who just couldn't believe that Oprah would grace the floors of their market with her soft and supple angel feet. TV people love to use that kind of footage. So during the whole segment where she's at the store, look for me in the background. I'll be the bald guy with the scary long goatee wearing a golf shirt and a bathing suit. I'm wearing a bathing suit because I found when being on the road I would often not want to stop to go to the bathroom and bathing suits dried faster. Or it was because I was swimming up the road at Slide Rock State Park. I don't really remember.

As for my actual encounter with Oprah 120 miles later in Winslow, Arizona - I highly doubt any of that will make it into the show, as there weren't any cameras around.

So grab some friends, pop some popcorn, and play a game of "Spot the Jew" on Oprah tomorrow. Maybe even break out the tequila and play the following Oprah Drinking Game:

Every time Oprah refers to "My Friend Gayle" - 1 shot
Every time Oprah goes "ghetto" - drink a 40
Every time Oprah does something like "real folk" (i.e. pump her own gas) - 1 shot
Every time Oprah freaks out about having to do something like "real folk" - 1 shot
Every time Oprah and Gail tongue kiss - 4 shots
Every time Oprah walks on water - 1 shot
Every time Oprah claims something in Sedona is "so spiritual, transcendental," etc. - 1 shot
Every time Oprah says something condescending but doesn't realize it - 2 shots
Every time Oprah shits a brick of gold - 5 shots
Every time Oprah and Gail have a little tiff - 1 shot
Every time Oprah wipes her mouth with a $100 bill - 3 shots
Every time Oprah builds a poor person a house - 2 shots
Every time Oprah or Gayle remark on "how red" the rocks are - 2 shots
Every time a townie says something like "I can't BELIEVE Oprah is in my (town, market, bathroom, vagina)" - 3 shots

That should get you nicely toasted...