You work at Whole Foods, douchebag. You didn't cure cancer.

I'm kind of over L.A. right now. The drivers are fucking nuts, the weather is freakishly hot for March, and the water seems to be spiked with a little too much "I-think-I'm-better-than-you." I was in Whole Foods today, whose motto is "It's a Privilege That We Even Let You Shop Here Because Our Farts Smell Like Cherry Blossoms." The parking lot at the one nearest me is smaller than President Bush's approval rating, and of course every spot is filled with a car big enough to send to Iraq. I shopped quick, getting to the check out line in about 7 minutes. I just needed a few things to complete a nice Sunday jew meal - whitefish, lox, and capers. I already had the bagels and cream cheese. While scanning my items, the clerk picks up one of the plastic containers and says in this REAL bitchy, condescending tone, the kind of tone I usually get when asking women out, "You know, right, that these aren't the ORGANIC capers?"

First of all, I don't even really know what the fuck a caper is, much less that they come in the organic and non-organic variety. And second of all, if it's so offensive to you that I would actually buy non-organic capers, why the fuck do you work in a store that would SELL non-organic capers? So no, I guess I didn't know that those were the non-organic capers. Does that make me a bad person? I usually try to buy organic produce, eggs from cage-free chickens, and milk from cows that have their udders massaged with Egyptian baby oil flecked with tiny pieces of pure gold. I drive a Prius, don't buy leather, and compost my own feces and the feces of everyone in my neighborhood. I've never raped a baby, smuggled a human being in a tiny compartment, or (knowingly) owned a slave. I don't need the attitude from some faux L.A. hippie who works in an over-priced grocery store and hasn't showered since the day she heard Phish broke up. Just put my shit in a non-biodegradable plastic bag and try to not to drip too much jizz from your dreadlocks on my smoked fish.

And yes, I'm a liberal-pierced-nose-hybrid-driving-vegetarian (except I eat fish now, but that's for another post) jew, and I should embrace the Whole Foods crowd who are seemingly cut from the same or similar cloth. Except they're not. I have enough experience with fippies (fake hippies) from living in Santa Cruz and San Francisco for almost ten years that I can smell the insincere ones from a mile away. I finally saw "An Inconvenient Truth" last week, and I believe Al Gore is a sincere environmentalist. I think he is convinced of an impending doom and he's trying to do what he can to get the word out to stop it. But this insufferable bitch who works at Whole Foods, she's one of those militant types who might ultimately have the right message but will only turn people off to her cause by her methods. Kind of like those religious fanatics who bomb abortion clinics and shoot doctors. The normal Christians look at them and wave their hands frantically saying "No no no, they're not with us. We've never even seen them before." But the whackos get all mixed up with the normal ones into one big religious pie.

So Whole Foods, I think you're no longer for me. I'll miss your fresh fish and hot MILFs that stroll your aisles, but I won't miss your high prices, cramped parking, and annoying fucking attitude. If I want to pay to have some abuse me mentally, I can find that on Craig's List for a lot less money.