The Gayest Thing I've Ever Done

Rest stop outside Spokane, Washington – miles traveled: 14,733,008
Eastern Washington, not quite as impressive as Western Washington, so far. It’s a lot like what I imagine Idaho will look like, which is good preparation, since I’ll probably be in Idaho by tomorrow. It definitely doesn’t compare to Seattle, where I was yesterday.

Seattle is very impressive; you come in off Highway 5 and drop into the city with a magnificent view of the sound and downtown and islands and hills. My game plan was to hit the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and then downtown, all of which I was able to find with ease.

The Space Needle was easy to spot, since it’s a big steel needle standing atop a hill North of downtown. At the base is the Experience Music Project, which I plan to hit on the way back. It’s curvy, colorful shape is bizarre and makes it look like something Jerry Garcia puked up on an acid trip. The Space Needle itself is impressive in its height and shape, and I went up to the window to buy a ticket to the elevator to the top. I balked a little at the $14 price, but I’m a tourist, and that’s what tourists do. From the top you get a great view of the whole city and surrounding areas, and all of the viewing binoculars are free. The have a whole history of the thing spread out on one wall, and all told the attraction is good for about 15 minutes. At almost a dollar a minute, the Space Needle is a bit overpriced, but I can check it off my master list.

After that, I went down to the Pike Place Market, where I would have happily paid $14 to get in. This was probably the highlight of my trip so far. It was a great place to people watch, wander around, take pictures, and explore. They sell all kinds of interesting things to eat; I got a tofu hotdog with all the fixings (which is rare to find from a vendor, usually you only get something like that if you make it at home) and some whipped Lebanese garlic spread which tastes just like a Greek sauce called Skordalia, something I’ve never seen sold commercially. And of course, I saw the guys throwing fish. They really ham it up and put on a good show, and I squeezed my way up front to get a good angle on some pictures. They had a woman standing just in front of the guy doing the catching, and they placed a cup filled with coffee on her head. The guy throwing would toss the fish, missing the cup by inches. The catching guy would then throw fish back to the thrower. They did this three times, and at the end of the third time, I was looking through the view finder on my camera when all of the sudden a see a huge fish come flying at my head. I was far enough to the left of the guy who was supposed to catch it, and realizing there was no way he was going to get over in time, I ducked down really fast as I felt the flying object graze my cheek. As I ducked down, I bashed my forehead on the handle of a baby stroller to my left, dazing me for a second. As I stood up, the whole crowd was laughing in my general direction, and I looked around to see where the errant fish had landed. I spotted it on the ground to my right: a fish shaped stuffed animal. I laughed along with everyone else, and I truly appreciate the joke; I just wish I didn’t have “Osh Kosh B’Gosh” imprinted in my forehead.

I left soon after to go downtown for my massage. A week of driving and sleeping in weird places has tweaked my neck, causing me to get occasional bad headaches. I’ve only had three or four massages in my life, and I figured one would help work out the kinks. I found a nice looking spa downtown, and strolled in on time for my 2pm massage. I was shown into the room, given a bathrobe to change into, and told to hang out and my masseur would be in shortly. A few minute later, there was a knock at the door, and in walked Ivan. Now, I’ve done some gay things in my life. I’ve lived in San Francisco, West Hollywood, and I’ve seen almost every episode of “The Gilmore Girls.” But I’ve never had my whole body rubbed down with warm oil by a man. As the massage started I was a bit uncomfortable, and since I haven’t had a whole lot of experience with this thing, I wasn’t sure if it would be appropriate or not to request someone different. For about five minutes I went back and forth on what I should, when finally I just accepted it. If I spent the whole hour tripping out, it would be a waste of $75, plus I’d probably leave tenser than when I went in. So I closed my eyes and pretended Ivan was Ivanka, and you know what? I got a pretty damn good massage. And I didn’t get anything close to a boner the whole time, so my heterosexuality is still intact. Didn’t fix my neck, though.

After that I drove around the city for a couple of hours, exploring different neighborhoods. With the hills, electric busses, architecture, and counter-culture looking residents, I was reminded of San Francisco. The weather was perfect, so I didn’t get a taste of the rainy side of Seattle, but if a job or something ever required a move there, I don’t think I’d mind. Now if they would just open a Starbucks or two, the city would be perfect.