What I've Learned So Far

Ely, Minnesota
As I write this, I’ve been on the road for exactly three months. At KFI, I used to do a segment every week called “What Did We Learn” that would recap the events of the week, so in honor of that, here’s “What I’ve Learned: Road Trip Edition”:


-Oprah Winfrey is a very down to earth person, but she could probably use better body guards

-This country is very large and very beautiful

-When possible, always take a two lane road over a highway

-Large bugs will often be sucked in through your open window while you’re driving – try not to freak out when they land on your chest or in your lap. Screaming like a little girl and swatting wildly will cause an accident.

-Speaking of bugs, they will also often splat against your side view mirror and explode bug body fluid all over you.

-The bug body count on the front of your car will resemble a bug genocide so terrible that if there were a bug U.N., you’d be tried for war crimes against bugmanity.

-It’s possible to go up to five days without showering, but that sixth day is going to be very gross

-When it comes to swimming in bodies of water, there is definitely a hierarchy: Rivers are best, followed by lakes, then oceans, and then ponds. Motel pools should never EVER be used, ever.

-And speaking of things to avoid, the state of Texas is best avoided from June-May.

-The state with the best total cell phone coverage is Wisconsin – the state with the worst is Maine.

-Bug spray is pretty much a scam.

-Moose are surprisingly quick.

-Skippy peanut butter can sit in the back of a swelteringly hot car for months and still be edible.

-Saying you’re vegetarian is akin to announcing that you are a pedophile in a lot of places.

-A portable GPS is probably the best tool to have for any trip, but they are fallible, so bring a map.

-Motel 6’s can either be perfectly acceptable or disgusting filth-holes. The newer the building looks, the better off you’ll be.

-Sirius satellite radio is probably one of the best things ever.

-Despite what we in lala-land think, just saying you’re from L.A. will not cause girls in rural towns to drop their pants.

-If a state is known for something, you’ll see signs for it the second you cross the state’s borders. In other words, you won’t have to search hard for cheese in Wisconsin, BBQ in Texas, Lobster in Maine, Amish in Pennsylvania, or Mormons in Utah.

-There are surprisingly few Wells Fargo ATM’s outside the western United States.

-The cheaper a motel is, the more likely it is someone will have been murdered in your room. Conversely, the cheaper a campsite is, the more beautiful it will probably be.

-On a trip like this, plan to spend around $100 a day.

-Gas station bathrooms should be avoided at all costs.

-Bees and wasps like to hang out in the electricity boxes at campsites, so be careful when plugging in.

-VW vans are great for doing a road trip by yourself. If you’re traveling with a spouse, partner, or friend, you might find the quarters a little too close for comfort. If you’re traveling with your family, be prepared to end up like Andrea Yates.

-Most kids would rather go to Disneyland for vacation than a National Park. Subsequently, when they run around like crazed Hyenas, they’re going to ruin your vacation AND mine. Do us all a favor and leave the kids in the car (but crack a window, because it’s hot).

-The most common roadkill are skunks, followed by cats, possum, squirrel, dogs, and birds. I’ve seen one dead deer by the side of the road.

-The cheapest gas can be found in rural Arizona ($2.09 a gallon!), the cheapest overall state for gas is Texas, and in Oregon and New Jersey it is against the law to pump your own gas.

-If you plan on going to more than three National Parks in a year, a National Parks Pass ($50) will save you a bunch of money on entrance fees.

-If you smoke, don’t buy cigarettes in Chicago ($8 a pack) or New York ($7.50).

-If you pull over on the side of the road to take a nap in a heavily Christian area (the South, for instance), be prepared for good Samaritans to wake you up every five minutes to see if everything is okay.

-Wireless internet networks that allow you to get internet access anywhere in the country aren’t up to speed yet, and your connection will often be slower than dial-up. I have Cingular, and I think the only other provider right now is Verizon.

-The best things the East Coast has that the West Coast doesn’t are frozen custard and fireflies.

-Don’t fuck with Canada


On another note – a very happy birthday to the real Trudel (the Grandmother, not the Van), who turned 91 on Saturday! I love you very much and I’ll see you soon.