SLC 900 Ft. Jesus

Bryce Valley, Utah ~ people served: over 99 billion
About 12pm on Sunday I pulled into Salt Lake City, and it was dead. I know SLC is full of pretty religious people, and so Sunday might not be the best day to visit, but the place looked like Hiroshima the day after, minus the destruction. No cars on the roads, no people walking around, just eerie silence that you don't expect from a big city. I found the Mormon Temple quite easily, parked on the street right outside, and wondered if they'd even be open to visitors on Sunday. What if I walked in in my Birkenstocks with my long ass goatee and nose piercing and they're in the middle of some deep holy shit? I might be burned at the stake. But I saw tourist looking types milling about, so I entered the gates to the grounds.

The first thing I noticed is that Mormon women with little nametags were on me like commissioned salespeople in a department store. They were everywhere, and always trying to get your attention, or ask how you're doing, or if they can help you, when all you want to do is browse for pants. Don't get me wrong, they were all very nice, but it was overbearing to the point where you wanted to say "Back off, bitch," at which point I probably would have broken some Utah law and been thrown in jail. Under each nametag was a flag of their nationality, and they were from all over the place; Africa, Japan, the Philippines, Australia, the UK...it was like the Mormon UN, only all the delegates were well covered women. It was rather warm that day, and I felt sorry for these girls having to give tours outdoors in what looked like thick, heavy clothing. After walking around for a bit and taking pictures, I figured a tour would give me a better history of the place, so like giving in to a car salesman on the lot, I took the Mormons for a test drive.

The two guides of my group were very enthusiastic, but very soft spoken young women. One was Filipina, so combining her accent with her low volume meant she could have told me she had sex with Jesus last night and I would have just nodded my head and smiled. They walked us around Temple Square, stopping in front of each attraction to give what I hoped would be a brief history, but what was instead a testimonial to Jesus and the LDS church. The girl's eyes seemed glassy, and the script they were reciting seemed well rehearsed. They kept talking about their devotion to the church and how great it was, and how much they loved Jesus and Joseph Smith and how great the current prophet Gordon Hinkley is. Walking from spot to spot, they would try and strike up a conversation with you, and the American girl seemed genuinely shocked that I had not read the Book of Mormon. Now, I've been in situations with the devoutly religious before, and my first instinct is to stir up a little healthy debate. When presented with statements that seem somewhat dubious, I tend to challenge them. I didn't feel it was appropriate in this setting to start questioning their beliefs, but I felt asking some questions would make it seem like I was engaged.

American Mormon Guide: Jesus was sent down to be God's representative on earth, so when he died, God had no one here. So he decided to speak through Joseph Smith, the founder of the Church, and Joseph became our first prophet.
Me: So for 1800 years, God did nothing, and then he decided to talk to Joseph Smith? Why did he wait so long?
AMG: (a little flustered) Well, God didn't do "nothing." He sent Ammaron to tell Mormon where to find the records of the ancestors, and then Mormon engraved the records onto golden tablets, and then God instructed Joseph Smith where to find those tablets.
Me: So there were other prophets before Joseph Smith?
AMG: It's all in the book of Mormon. You should read it...

It was a friendly exchange, but I could see she was getting a little frustrated with me, so I decided to let it go. At this point, we came upon the "Seagull Monument," which was a tall column with golden Seagulls on top. The story goes that when the first Pioneers who followed Joseph Smith to Utah settled around what is now Salt Lake City, they planted a bunch of crops. When the crops were almost ready to harvest, crickets invaded and started decimating the place. The Pioneers needed their crops to survive, and if the crickets completed their destruction, the Pioneers would surely die. So they prayed and prayed and prayed, and God sent seagulls to eat the crickets, and everyone rejoiced, and now the Seagull is the state bird of Utah. Nice story, but it is accounts like these that really piss me off and bring out the combatant Atheist in me. I was dying to ask "Well, why didn't God just not send the crickets in the first place, or why didn't he just make them all drop dead from some strange cricket disease? Why would god put the crickets there in the first place, make you pray to him, and then do something so complicated as to bring in seagulls to eat all the crickets? Or better yet, why not lead you to a valley where apples and oranges and corn grow naturally? Why is everything so complicated? Why, if the bible says that we have free will, and God doesn't interfere with that will, does man pray to God to help him? And why is the Bible and Book of Mormon littered with all these miracles God performed to save his people, but when his people needed help recently, he was no where to be found? We sure could have used a miracle during the Holocaust! A miracle would have been nice during Hurricane Katrina! I bet the people in Darfur would be open to a miracle right about now! What the fuck?" I felt something like that might have been inappropriate, so I said nothing and moved on.

Walking between one of the spots, I asked the American girl if she'd seen "Big Love," the new HBO show that centers around a polygamous family. Surely she'd be outraged at this false depiction of Mormonism, upset that the only time Mormons every crack main stream culture it always has something to do with polygamy. Surely this show must be big time Mormon water cooler talk, whether they watch it or not. She replied that while on her mission, she wasn't allowed to watch television, and she really didn't know anything about the show, and could I perhaps tell her about it? I was happy to, but this absolutely shocked me. I guarantee you if there was an HBO series about any sect of Jews, every Jew in the world would know everything about the show, whether they watched it or not. At the very least, they would know all the main characters names and how much they made a year. Rabbis would stop you on the street and ask "Did you see the HBO show about the Jews?" You could be in the most remote jungle in South America, and if there was another Jew around, you guys would talk about the show. So I understand that she can't watch tv for two years, but she lives in Salt Lake City, Mormon Capital USA! You would think the show would be a topic of conversation around the church. I guess Mormon's just aren't a bunch of Yentas.

From there, we went into a big building with Disneyland style paintings of planets and stars on the ceiling. It looked like we were about to ride space mountain. We were sat down in front of a HUGE statue of Jesus, and asked to open our hearts to his words which were then played as a prerecorded voice read them over a speaker system. It was very odd. We were then asked to fill out a card with our personal information, and to check a box if we wanted to be visited by members of the church. I put down my friend Nathan's home phone number from High School (the standard whenever I and a few other friends are asked for personal information we don't want to give, 888-0841), and my guide looked hurt that I didn't want to be visited. I explained I was on a road trip for a couple of months, and she told me that Jesus would be there when I got back. I thanked her and high-tailed it the fuck out of there.

I want to be clear here. The Mormons I met were very nice people. They all seemed very enthusiastic about their religion, and that's great. I think it's good for people to have a great passion for something, anything, whether it's religion or their pets or John Hughes movies. But I've had a very long battle with organized religion for a long time now, and I have very specific issues with what they tell you God is and what he's done and can do. When I asked before where God was during the Holocaust, I wasn't just trying to make a point. I seriously want to know, where the fuck was he? And where is he now? All over the bible, God's sticking his nose in places, and there's so much suffering today, if he exists and he's as benevolent as I've been led to believe, then it's reprehensible that he not do something. I am Jewish, and like so many young Jews today, I see my Judaism as more of a culture or a race, and less of a religion. I believe the old testament was written by a bunch of very smart people a long time ago as a way to get people to act with civility in a society, and I think a lot of the basic tenants are right on. But how is it fair to scoff at the bullshit Scientology is trying shove down your throat, and then turn around and believe the fantastic stories in the Torah are true? It doesn't make sense in my head, and maybe someday it will, but until then I want it to be clear that I'm not picking on Mormons in specific, I'm picking on organized religion, including Judaism, in general.

My laundry is almost done and it's time to check out of the KOA. I've got a lot more to write, but no time to do it. I need to start writing these posts offline, so I can just copy and paste them into blogger when I can find a connection. Still to come is my time at Arches National Park, tons of pictures, and why the Germans love Southern Utah. Tomorrow I hit Vegas, and I have a feeling there won't be too much posting for the next couple of days, but I'll see what I can do.